Monthly Archives: August 2013

swimming with jonathan

0027So, I never saw Jonathan after the camping trip, and maybe it’s my fault, since I never texted him. I saw on Facebook that he’s already gone to school anyway.

It’s not like I expected anything to happen. I’m pretty sure Jonathan is completely straight after all. Yeah, we did hang out just the two of us this summer a few times, but I never got any real signals that he liked me as anything more than just a friend.

It was nice hanging out together though.

Still, I wonder. Jonathan hasn’t had a girlfriend since middle school, not that I know of anyway.

And then there was this time at the pool a few weeks back that I haven’t talked about. We were laying out in the sun, and Jonathan asked me what I thought about these two girls who were also laying out on deck chairs, a few yards down and in front of us. I said the one on the right was hot. He agreed with me. We sat there a few more minutes, and I pointed out another girl, and he also approved. This girl was wading in the shallow end with a really tan guy in sunglasses, who had a nice muscular back. For like .0001 seconds I thought about asking him “And what about the dude?” but of course I didn’t.

Instead I pointed out this saggy breasted fat old lady and said I’d take her over all the other girls and he said “How did I not notice her before? Hot momma.” And we laughed and I put on my sunglasses so I could follow this swimmer wearing a speedo with my eyes without Jonathan noticing. Then Jonathan asked me if I would rub sunscreen on his back, so I did. Very thoroughly. I even put my fingers down the waistband at the back, grazing the top of his ass. I got a semi doing that.

We kept people-watching and relaxing. Then we swam some laps and when we were taking a break I told him we should talk to those two sunbathing girls. He said no, like he was too shy. In my opinion, Jonathan has no reason to be shy.

I told him I caught the one in red watching us while we were swimming. He said “Yeah?” like he didn’t believe it but was intrigued. I told him to man up and make a move. He said “A few more laps and then we can go over there.”

Of course, by the time we swam a few more laps, the girls were gone. “You missed your chance.” And he just shrugged and gave a sheepish smile.

Before we were ready to go, we went to the lockers to change. I told him I’d take a shower and on an impulse I pulled down my shorts so I was standing naked. If I hadn’t done it on an impulse I think I would’ve gotten hard, just thinking about doing it. But I was in the moment, and it was okay. Maybe it even looked a little smaller because of the swimming. I maybe should’ve thought about that. Oh well.

Anyway, he definitely looked. Like I saw his eyes trail down and back up. But he said pretty quickly, “Okay, see you in a few,” and he picked up his stuff and went into one of the stalls. So I went and took a shower, alone, and by the time I left the showers Jonathan had already left the locker room, without saying anything to me.

I don’t know what you guys think, but the whole situation seemed a little off to me. Jonathan was on the soccer team, so I would think that he’s used to seeing guys showering in the locker room. He seemed uncomfortable and eager to get away. But maybe I’m reading into these small things too much. Maybe Jonathan is just shy.

Well, not that any of this really matters. Now this is all history.

This will be my last post before I go to college. I leave early tomorrow morning. I’m probably going to be a lot busier from now on, but hopefully I’ll keep up the blog. I’ve gotten faster at typing these things up. So I will do my best to drop in when I get the time. Until then… signing off.





Packing now. Mom’s helping, sort of. She bought me a plant today, and a jumbo set of toilet paper. I told her, “I think they have stores there too Mom. And if I walk into the dorm with that much toilet paper my roommate’s gonna think I have bowel issues or something.” (Or that I’m a freak masturbator… which actually isn’t too far off from the truth).

“You’ll thank me later. Trust me,” she says. I really don’t want to know what my mom thinks I’ll need all that toilet paper for.

Then she asks me stuff like what color my roommate’s bed covers are. She’s asked me about this more than once. No joke. “How am I supposed to know?” I say.

“Haven’t you talked to him? I told you to ask him!”

Do you want him to think I’m gay? Do you want him to think I’m going to try to color-coordinate his pillow cases with the rainbow flag I’ll hang up on the wall? I think about saying something like this, but I don’t. Instead I say, “There are way more important things to talk about.”

“THIS is important!” she says.

There’s already more stuff than will be able to fit in my car, so we’re going to have to take two. My brother has school and my dad says he needs to work, so my mom will drive with me, in the other car. It’s a long drive. About ten hours. But my mom will stay with relatives up there for a couple days before she comes back home.

The trip is going to be long and boring, but I don’t mind it that my mom and I are in separate cars. My mom can talk a lot, and if we ride together I would probably hear a lot more about those blankets.

college advice

0025Last night my grandparents and aunt and uncle and cousins (all on my dad’s side) came over for dinner. They asked me the typical questions that people ask you about college, the ones I’ve been answering since my graduation party and that I have canned responses to. By this point though, they mostly have a lot of advice. The funny thing is when one piece of advice contradicts another one. Like when my grandpa said that the most valuable thing he learned in college was how to hold his liquor. My mom disapproved, just shook her head and gave me a look. (Mom lives in a world where I go to parties and drink coke and juice). Grandpa looked at me over the table and said, “Learn how to hold your liquor, son.” He pointed his fork at me like Uncle Sam does in that painting.

My uncle followed my brother, my cousin and me outside and watched us play ball in the driveway while the sun was setting. When we finished, he slapped me on the shoulder. “Here, have a drink. I won’t tell your mom.” And he handed me his big glass of bourbon and coke. Tasted more like bourbon than coke. Then he said “Didn’t want to say it at the dinner table, but you need to know this: never trust a girl who says she’s on the pill. It would be a good idea to carry a condom or two, wherever you go. And ALWAYS wear thongs in the showers. Always. Take it from me.”

I’m guessing by thongs he meant flip flops. Anyway, once you hit college age, I guess it means that all of a sudden your relatives think they can give you sex advice without it being super awkward anymore.

Then Jeff, my cousin, said “Dad’s right. You should do that. His feet are gross.”

I know this post is like, the opposite of sexy, but I’m attaching a picture of a hot guy anyway. To make up for it, I guess.


I’m leaving in four days, and there are things to do, shit to buy, shit to pack.

My facebook friend count just skyrocketed with a lot of people from college I haven’t even met yet. Mostly girls though. The guys don’t usually add you, and I’m not about to go around adding guys just because they look hot.

I’ve actually chatted some with my roommate, and he seems pretty cool so far, but who knows until we meet.

In less than a week, I’ll be in college, living in a new city, around all new people. I’ll have a totally new life. Crazy!

Mostly over Elizabeth now, I knew the break up was coming anyway. She called me yesterday to ask me how I was doing, and the conversation was pretty normal otherwise. I don’t know if we’ll see each other again before we leave. Probably not. It might seem awkward if we do.

Change is coming, and fast. There’s not really even time to think about it. I guess I should be excited right now. But right now I don’t even know what to feel, so I think I just feel nothing. I’m just giving myself up to the changes.



Went to the movies with Elizabeth last night. Saw The Spectacular Now. After the movie, I drove her home, and then we were sitting in the car and I could tell she was gearing up to say something.

Travis, she said.

Oh fuck, I thought.

“Yeah?” I said.

“You know we’re both going away soon, and I was thinking,”

“Yeah me too.”

“You were? I was thinking that it’ll be hard to stay together when we’re so far apart,”

“Yeah, I agree. Totally. I think we should focus on meeting new people.”

She looked at me a second then she smiled a little bit, like a pity smile. Then she leaned in and kissed me on the cheek and we gave each other an awkward half hug. “I’m glad we both feel the same way.”

“Me too! I was worrying about that.”

She laughed and said “Aw really?”

“Yeah, I didn’t know if you’d feel the same way, but you do, so that’s great.” It was all over, that quick. The whole time I was smiling, and she kept looking at me and it made me feel awkward so I looked ahead out the window. Just then this big old possum waddled across the street under the light of a streetlight. “Hey, look at that ugly thing!” I pointed to it, and it turned its head toward us like it heard me and its eyes glowed bright white and then it ran into the dark and disappeared.

“Disgusting,” Elizabeth said.

We attempted some more small talk, and then said goodnight. Elizabeth said we should try to see each other again before we leave and I said sure. The whole time she wore that same smile and I wore some goofy grin. After she left the car my mouth hurt from all that smiling.

So, if this is how the conversation went, why do I feel like I was just dumped?

I’ve never been dumped before.

And if I didn’t love Elizabeth, why do I feel so empty right now?

the end of something

0014Kelly’s leaving tomorrow. I called him, he didn’t answer. Then later on, he called me back. He said he was busy and couldn’t hang out, which is fine. I didn’t really expect him to anyway.

I asked him if things were better between him and his mom now, kind of awkwardly, because I asked him the same question, before, on Facebook, but he didn’t give me a real answer. He said yeah, things were pretty much back to normal. Fine, good… but I wondered if maybe he was just telling me that so I’d stop prying. I never got the story about the fight anyway, since we hadn’t been able to talk one-on-one when we were camping.

We talked some about getting ready for college and I said I couldn’t believe it was already here. I also mentioned how it would be a while before we saw each other again, and he laughed. “You’re talking like it’s the end of the world! We’ll still see each other on breaks.”

I laughed too. And told him “yeah, if you can survive living in the middle of a fucking cornfield.”

He said he would get by. We didn’t talk at all about Linda, I realized after I hung up the phone.

Yeah, it’s not the end of the world. But it’s the end of SOMETHING.

Like I said, Kelly and I have been best friends all through high school. We met when we were trying out for the football team as freshmen. When you get along with someone, like, when you have a connection on some deeper level, you just know, and somehow we knew, and during practices we were at each other’s side whenever we could be, and pretty soon we were hanging around each other all the time even outside practice.

By this point I feel like I know pretty much everything about Kelly. When he had hemorrhoids and jock itch, I knew about it. When he hooked up with a girl, I knew about it. I also told him when I did, but I embellished a little bit, and kind of left out the fact that I’d never actually gone all the way. When he had problems with his dad, he told me about them, and when something was going on between me and my parents, I told him. He told me about the things that got him excited and the things that made him angry.

But toward graduation and this summer things have been weird, like I’ve said a million times already. I’m starting to sound like a broken record, sorry guys.

Anyway, I guess people don’t stay “best friends forever.” So why should I be worried about the way things are going right now? It’s natural. Come on Travis this is the real world.

having kids?


No, I’d rather have a dog. Or this guy. Yeah, I’d take him.

One of the things that’s bothered me for a long time about being gay is knowing that chances are, I won’t have a normal family. I won’t have a normal life. I won’t fall in love with a girl, I won’t have kids, I won’t watch them grow up and see myself in the face of the boy, or the face of the girl. Their faces would be the mixture of mine and the face of the girl I chose to make babies with. They’d be like, symbols. Of me, of her, of love, of the Circle of Life… some sentimental shit like that.

That’s the way I used to think of it, but now I don’t know. All that stuff still SOUNDS good, but after thinking about it for a long time, I decided that it’s not such a bad thing not having kids after all.

First of all: kids can be cute sometimes, but most of the time, they’re a pain in the ass. Even the nice ones. Trust me, I work with kids, I know what I’m talking about.

The problem is you can’t choose what kind of kid yours is going to turn out to be. Some of the kids at the tennis camp are little assholes. Don’t tell me they’re just kids, who don’t know any better, young and sweet and innocent, there really are kids that the world would be a lot better off without. The ones who do nothing but try to make things hard on everybody else, bully and pick on other kids, torture small animals, etc. etc. You can try to make them behave, but you know that the minute they think you’re not paying attention anymore they’re going to go right back to doing what you told them not to do, or decide to try out something even worse, like rubbing dirt in that girl’s face because she looks too happy.

What if your kid turned out to be one of those assholes? Then you’d have to deal with some asshole your whole life, and you would be forced to be NICE to him, but even if you did your best, it probably wouldn’t matter because in the end, he’d only want your money anyway and would probably stuff you in some retirement home until you kicked it.

SECOND thing: all that stuff I talked about up there sounds really noble and great, but when it comes down to it having a kid is a pretty selfish thing to do. People want to have kids to “raise them well,” teach them well, spoil them with nice stuff, carry on the family genes and the family name. But why should I need to have little Travis-copies running around all over the place, other than to boost my own ego? That’s what it’s all about, ego. I don’t need to teach a kid who looks like me to be like me… there’s already one me, and it already has enough problems without passing them on to another person.

And also, why bring another kid into this world? It’s not headed in a very good direction right now. You might say that we’re all fucked. We’re using up all the world’s resources because we want plasma screens and air conditioning and burgers and kids. So why fuck over another human being? Just so you can set him down in front of some plasma screen, let him grow up while having a copy of your genes, and hope that this copy of your genes doesn’t turn out messed up and confused about everything like you are?

All this sounds cynical as hell… maybe I’m just trying too hard to convince myself it’s not what I want. But it isn’t. I think.