in my room

0008I’m living a double life.

My family walks around out there doing their boring everyday things, and they have no idea what’s going on in here in my room, any more than they know what’s going on in my brain.

Kelly is out somewhere doing I don’t know what, without me. I would really like to talk to him right now, normally that would make me feel better, but somehow I’ve felt really distant from him these days. We’re going to be hundreds of miles apart in a couple weeks but it seems like we already are.

Jonathan is somewhere on a beach in Florida, in the sun, having a good time with his friends, and not thinking about me at all, and I’m here in my room where I haven’t even opened the blinds yet today, and I get sweaty under the blankets thinking about him, and he doesn’t have any idea.

When Dad knocked on my door this morning I told him to fuck off which got me grounded. In his world I’m still 14. I play golf like I did when I was 14 and he treats me like I’m 14. But I haven’t left my room because I want to be alone, I don’t want to see anybody.

I called Elizabeth and vented. She told me she sees why I got angry but that I should just apologize to my dad so I can get on with life and forget about the whole stupid thing.

Okay, maybe I’ve acted like a spoiled brat. That’s another reason why I haven’t left my room again, because I feel ashamed. But it doesn’t change the fact that my dad is a giant Douche Bag.

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12 thoughts on “in my room

  1. naturgesetz

    Elizabeth gave good advice.

    As for having crushes on straight friends — the danger is that yu press a bit too hard to be close to them and they get uncomfortable and pull back. Then you can press even more and they pull back more and you’ve got a vicious circle and the relationship gets destroyed. It happened to me. http://naturgesetz-takecourage.blogspot.com/search/label/%22Mike%22

    And BTW, the other guy doesn’t have to be straight for this to happen. I’m not sure about “Mike,” and I wonder a bit about Jonathan. The problem is that we can misunderstand the actions of straight guys because we want it to mean they’re gay.

    My best advice is to let the friendships develop at their own pace without pressing for more than the other guy seems to want — and apologize to your dad for blowing your top.

    Reply
  2. kenn-do

    Lol. Well I think you should continue perving. No harm really, when you get to college you’ll meet other boys anyway and your crush on Jonathan will probably diminish

    Reply
  3. RobFather-X

    As a single dad of a 17 year-old, I understand when guys want or need to be left alone. I try to make sure to give my son plenty of space but I always assure him that I’m here for him to talk or whatever. I recall my teen years and frustrations and the need to just…be. I’m still that way to this day! Do YOU, man…but try not to get grounded in the process (even if you think it’s worth it!)

    Reply
  4. WARPed

    Cool blog, dude.

    And that was some great advice you gave Joseph.

    Guess your Dad isn’t that bad, in comparison, huh?

    🙂

    -Andy

    Reply
  5. jayinva

    I hear you, man. My dad and I would have blowups like that once in a while. He gave up grounding me, but the tension was still the same.

    I do think you should apologize. I understand your side completely, and his words were inexcusable, but still…better to leave in a couple weeks on a high note, right?

    Peace ❤
    Jay

    Reply
  6. Adon

    I think my Dad figured out I was gay and may have even known about my physical relationship with my best friend. After my boyfriend disappeared I went into my old behavior of avoidance with life. Dad had no idea how to cope with that knowledge or what to “do” with me. He knew by my behavior, “staying in my room all the time wanting to be alone”, that I was suffering. He was concerned for me but never let on that he knew. He just didn’t know how to handle it, so he stayed mute.

    Don’t be too hard on your Dad. He is learning about life too, as he experiences it. If you are depressed, and it appears that you might be, then I would suggest that you leave your room. Regardless of what you do outside your room you will feel better. At least that has been my experience. I told you before in a previous comment that “I feel your pain”. I do.

    Reply
    1. Travis Post author

      Hey Adon, thanks for your comment. I did get outside the other night and it did me good. How did your dad figure out you were gay?

      Reply
      1. Adon

        Well, most of the story is on my blog. I’m not 100% sure he knew but as I thought about it over the years things began to add up. He didn’t encourage me to serve a mission for the church (Mormon). When my friend, David, disappeared his sister told me it was my fault which was followed by a call my Dad got from David’s dad blaming me for the fight he had with David. I’m sure our relationship was part of the rant. There were a lot of other indicators during my childhood that he would have picked up on. Although my Dad never really learned to communicate with me, I knew he loved me. I just I don’t remember him ever saying it.

        BTW, In the early posts of my blog, I boyishly describe my sexual awakening and my experiences with my friend David. Some people who have read it think it is too explicit (creepy). If you have read them, what do you think? I have thought of removing those posts but I really hate to.

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