mind fuck

0012One part of me is looking forward to the whole college thing. Everything here seems old and tired out in some way. Another part of me just wants to ignore it, and pretend like it’s never going to happen.

I wonder to myself if I should come out once I get there. Like, just start telling people from the beginning. Hey, I’m Travis, I’m gay, I like dick. Nice to meet you!

Nah, that’s just not me. Maybe that’s why I’m scared though. I don’t know what’s going to happen, and if I were out….. well, I can’t even imagine what my life would be like.

It’s easy for me here. I know how to act. I know how to handle people in the right way, so they won’t ask questions. I know what people like, what they expect, and what they want to hear. That’s what I give to them.

And if I were out… well, what if people didn’t like me anymore?

And I know that might sound like a lame excuse, everybody tells you “be yourself, it doesn’t matter what people think.”

But that’s so not true, it really does matter what people think. Especially if you really are yourself, because if you are really yourself and people don’t like you for it, where does that leave you? Pretty much alone. Show people what you really are, they see it, and decide it’s not good enough, or gross, or weird, or creepy, or whatever. It’s the ultimate rejection.

And the more I keep thinking this I start wondering whether I even know who I really am, and then it’s just a total mind fuck.

But enough of that, my head hurts now, maybe I’ll sign off the blog and go look at a video of some guys actually fucking.


6 thoughts on “mind fuck

  1. Madison Parker

    “…if you are really yourself and people don’t like you for it, where does that leave you? Pretty much alone.”

    Some people might not like you, but there will be plenty of others who will. Roughly 10% of the population is gay, so there will be hundreds of students on campus who are gay and/or have gay friends. Every person who comes out makes it easier for others to come out, too. Of course, it’s a very personal decision, and only you can decide when the time is right to come out. I get that you’re concerned that coming out may keep certain people from wanting to become your friend, but staying in the closet will also keep you from making friends with other gay guys. You may be trading one set of friends for another, and which would you rather have? Friends who like you for who you really are, or friends who like you for who they think you are?

    Have you checked to see if your college has some type of LGBT club/organization?

  2. jlo68

    Dude I am in the same place even though I am older than you. All the same fears are in my head as well. Just know that you are not alone no matter how it feels sometimes.

  3. naturgesetz

    I think there’s a big difference between being yourself and announcing your orientation every time you meet someone.

    Madison Parker has a good suggestion about checking for an organization. But even before that, I think the question can be how “officially gay” you want to be. You’re fairly new at your self-awareness of being gay and there are all sorts of ways you can live. I don’t recommend hiding in the closet, terrified that somebody might find our your awful secret. But you could decide to simply do what you want to do, and if anybody finds out or figures out, that’s okay — but it’s nothing they have to know, so you won’t make a point of telling. Attending gay events puts you slightly more on view, but it’s not as if everybody on campus will know it — it gives you a chance to meet new people. Becoming involved in an organization means you’ll be spending lots of time on gay activities.

    One way to think about it is to ask yourself how much time you want to spend with gay people doing gay-related things and how much you want to spend with a general mix of people doing things that are not somehow related to sexual orientation.

    I’d recommend starting out kind of low key. Make friends. Don’t think of your orientation as a big secret; think of it as a random fact and if someone finds out, they find out. With most people at most colleges it’ll be no big deal.

    The purpose of college isn’t to find people to have sex with. (As you know if you’ve checked out my blog, I encourage people who have any kind of moral reservations about gay sex to abstain from sex and make good friends, gay or straight.) But if you find yourself wanting someone openly gay in your life, certainly gay-themed events and LGBT organizations are places where meeting them isn’t just by chance.

    Don’t worry, don’t let your orientation be THE thing that defines you, just let it be part of who you are, enjoy what college has to offer, and study well.

    I’m looking forward to your reports from campus.

  4. closetprofessor

    First of all, let me say that no, you do not know who you really are. Your not old enough to have fully formed who you are. Most people don’t fully form their personality until well into their twenties. The best advice really is, just be yourself. Be who you want to be. Who cares if anyone can tell you are gay or not (I know that is easier said than done.) People will make their own assumptions, and if you just let yourself be who you are becoming, then they will figure it out for themselves and so will you. College, as with anything new, is scary, but you will have a great time, and it is a time of discovery, when you become the man you will be. Enjoy this time in your life. As you go off to college, you can be your true self, or anyone you want to be for that matter.

    Furthermore, I wouldn’t worry if people will like you for who you are, because I believe they will. Though I may not know you personally, from what I have read on your blog, you seem like a pretty cool guy…a real “chill gay dude.”

  5. Jay M.

    I must agree with almost everything said here. I really like closetprofessor’s comment. We’ve been friends a long time, he’s wise. I think you must first be yourself, and that probably doesn’t include tatting “I’m gay” on your forehead. That being said, being true to yourself is also important, and I think by now you know you are gay, are more or less OK with that, and it’s time to be all of you, IMHO (and it is simply an opinion). I think you can strike a balance, find some like-minded friends (those who simply won’t care if you’re gay – unless you are attending a religious university where it might be a problem – not coming to Liberty are you?), and learn to have a good time, meet new people, and when you feel it’s appropriate let them know your orientation. Same for your roommate. The old “sock on the doorknob” trick is still valid. Or simply saying “I’m having someone over tonight, won’t you be studying late at the library?” (and being open to the same from him – more chances to be seen in the library safely ensconced in a m/m romance novel in a well lighted area).
    It’s all going to be OK, OK? Trust us on that, at least!

    Peace ❤

  6. Travis Post author

    Thanks for all your comments guys. I think you’re right. I shouldn’t worry about it too much, and I’m going to try not to and just go with the flow and take things as they come. Madison, I haven’t checked to see if there’s an LGBT club at my college yet, but there probably is. I don’t know if I would go though. I don’t really know if joining a club like that would be for me even if I was out. I don’t want being gay to define who I am. Especially when I’m still figuring stuff out.


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