One part of me is looking forward to the whole college thing. Everything here seems old and tired out in some way. Another part of me just wants to ignore it, and pretend like it’s never going to happen.
I wonder to myself if I should come out once I get there. Like, just start telling people from the beginning. Hey, I’m Travis, I’m gay, I like dick. Nice to meet you!
Nah, that’s just not me. Maybe that’s why I’m scared though. I don’t know what’s going to happen, and if I were out….. well, I can’t even imagine what my life would be like.
It’s easy for me here. I know how to act. I know how to handle people in the right way, so they won’t ask questions. I know what people like, what they expect, and what they want to hear. That’s what I give to them.
And if I were out… well, what if people didn’t like me anymore?
And I know that might sound like a lame excuse, everybody tells you “be yourself, it doesn’t matter what people think.”
But that’s so not true, it really does matter what people think. Especially if you really are yourself, because if you are really yourself and people don’t like you for it, where does that leave you? Pretty much alone. Show people what you really are, they see it, and decide it’s not good enough, or gross, or weird, or creepy, or whatever. It’s the ultimate rejection.
And the more I keep thinking this I start wondering whether I even know who I really am, and then it’s just a total mind fuck.
But enough of that, my head hurts now, maybe I’ll sign off the blog and go look at a video of some guys actually fucking.