having kids?


No, I’d rather have a dog. Or this guy. Yeah, I’d take him.

One of the things that’s bothered me for a long time about being gay is knowing that chances are, I won’t have a normal family. I won’t have a normal life. I won’t fall in love with a girl, I won’t have kids, I won’t watch them grow up and see myself in the face of the boy, or the face of the girl. Their faces would be the mixture of mine and the face of the girl I chose to make babies with. They’d be like, symbols. Of me, of her, of love, of the Circle of Life… some sentimental shit like that.

That’s the way I used to think of it, but now I don’t know. All that stuff still SOUNDS good, but after thinking about it for a long time, I decided that it’s not such a bad thing not having kids after all.

First of all: kids can be cute sometimes, but most of the time, they’re a pain in the ass. Even the nice ones. Trust me, I work with kids, I know what I’m talking about.

The problem is you can’t choose what kind of kid yours is going to turn out to be. Some of the kids at the tennis camp are little assholes. Don’t tell me they’re just kids, who don’t know any better, young and sweet and innocent, there really are kids that the world would be a lot better off without. The ones who do nothing but try to make things hard on everybody else, bully and pick on other kids, torture small animals, etc. etc. You can try to make them behave, but you know that the minute they think you’re not paying attention anymore they’re going to go right back to doing what you told them not to do, or decide to try out something even worse, like rubbing dirt in that girl’s face because she looks too happy.

What if your kid turned out to be one of those assholes? Then you’d have to deal with some asshole your whole life, and you would be forced to be NICE to him, but even if you did your best, it probably wouldn’t matter because in the end, he’d only want your money anyway and would probably stuff you in some retirement home until you kicked it.

SECOND thing: all that stuff I talked about up there sounds really noble and great, but when it comes down to it having a kid is a pretty selfish thing to do. People want to have kids to “raise them well,” teach them well, spoil them with nice stuff, carry on the family genes and the family name. But why should I need to have little Travis-copies running around all over the place, other than to boost my own ego? That’s what it’s all about, ego. I don’t need to teach a kid who looks like me to be like me… there’s already one me, and it already has enough problems without passing them on to another person.

And also, why bring another kid into this world? It’s not headed in a very good direction right now. You might say that we’re all fucked. We’re using up all the world’s resources because we want plasma screens and air conditioning and burgers and kids. So why fuck over another human being? Just so you can set him down in front of some plasma screen, let him grow up while having a copy of your genes, and hope that this copy of your genes doesn’t turn out messed up and confused about everything like you are?

All this sounds cynical as hell… maybe I’m just trying too hard to convince myself it’s not what I want. But it isn’t. I think.


8 thoughts on “having kids?

  1. jayinva

    Such a loaded subject. So here is my FIRST thought, Travis: YOU’RE TOO DAMN YOUNG TO WORRY ABOUT IT!!!!

    Second thought: I had two teens as foster children. BEST YEARS of my life. Having kids who are the spawn of your loins is a different decision all together. But you’re not “damaged”, you’re totally normal, and 18, and it’s WAY too early to worry about kids!

    So try hard not to make decisions on your future life until those decisions are imminent. If you find yourself in a relationship (or not) where you want to have kids, there are many ways for men to have kids without a committed other sex person. Surrogates, adoption, fostering…all real, all a possible solution.

    Being gay does NOT mean you can’t have kids that go forth in the world to be great people. Being gay does NOT mean you aren’t qualified to be a great parent.
    The world’s “situation” is NOT a reason to NOT procreate.

    Yeah, I get your cynicism (and I could go on an on). It’s normal, just like you. But I think you’re getting ahead of yourself. OK?

    Peace ā¤

  2. closetprofessor

    I totally agree with Jay, and at the same time, working with kids each day as a teacher, I feel the same way, even down to wondering if I’m trying to convince myself that I really don’t want kids.

    1. jayinva

      I hear you, but I’d LOVE to have kids. I had two. I wish I could start sooner with more. Two, three, four!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA

      I think there is a HUGE difference between WORKING with kids (I spent 30 years with the boy scouts, and five years in a high school) and HAVING KIDS (I was handed one when I was in my 20’s – he was 14 – and another showed up a few years later at 17 and stayed for 5 years) though I never gave birth to one. But having a kid in your house is life changing for sure. I’d encourage EVERYONE to try it! NOTHING is more rewarding than seeing him grow up!

      So making a decision at this point is premature at best and unwise, too!
      Peace ā¤

      1. closetprofessor

        You are very right, Jay. I always wanted kids, but as I get older, I have decided that I probably won’t have any, but that does not mean that I am discouraging Travis from having children. You never know, I might still one day have children. Who knows?

  3. naturgesetz

    Travis, there are plenty of reasons, like the ones you give, for not wanting to have children. They can have a degree of validity. But there are infinitesimally few parents who wish they had never had children. I guess what happens is that love takes over and outweighs all the problems.

    Still, it’s not the tragedy of one’s life not to have children, and there is no reason for anyone to make you feel guilty for not having any or not wanting any. Of course, Jay is right: at your age there is no need for a final decision, but that doesn’t invalidate your feelings.

  4. Solve The Chord

    You can marry and have double-income, no-kids and live a life of luxury :). The “norm” for society is constantly changing, so don’t be too quick to make up your mind yet.

  5. alexbeall

    Unless you’re an imbecile, and you’re clearly not, it’s a mistake to shut down the opportunity to have children. Every part of nature is focused on reproducing itself, and there’s no reason why you should be an exception. If you deprive yourself of the chance to participate in creation of new human beings — ones half of whom are your own genetic endowment — you will have missed out on one of the greatest sources of joy and satisfaction a person can experience. As for the chance that your kids will turn out to be brats — that’s up to you. My kids were raised with standards, discipline and tough love, and guess what — they are all very well behaved, every one a delight to their Dad.


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