One of the things that’s bothered me for a long time about being gay is knowing that chances are, I won’t have a normal family. I won’t have a normal life. I won’t fall in love with a girl, I won’t have kids, I won’t watch them grow up and see myself in the face of the boy, or the face of the girl. Their faces would be the mixture of mine and the face of the girl I chose to make babies with. They’d be like, symbols. Of me, of her, of love, of the Circle of Life… some sentimental shit like that.
That’s the way I used to think of it, but now I don’t know. All that stuff still SOUNDS good, but after thinking about it for a long time, I decided that it’s not such a bad thing not having kids after all.
First of all: kids can be cute sometimes, but most of the time, they’re a pain in the ass. Even the nice ones. Trust me, I work with kids, I know what I’m talking about.
The problem is you can’t choose what kind of kid yours is going to turn out to be. Some of the kids at the tennis camp are little assholes. Don’t tell me they’re just kids, who don’t know any better, young and sweet and innocent, there really are kids that the world would be a lot better off without. The ones who do nothing but try to make things hard on everybody else, bully and pick on other kids, torture small animals, etc. etc. You can try to make them behave, but you know that the minute they think you’re not paying attention anymore they’re going to go right back to doing what you told them not to do, or decide to try out something even worse, like rubbing dirt in that girl’s face because she looks too happy.
What if your kid turned out to be one of those assholes? Then you’d have to deal with some asshole your whole life, and you would be forced to be NICE to him, but even if you did your best, it probably wouldn’t matter because in the end, he’d only want your money anyway and would probably stuff you in some retirement home until you kicked it.
SECOND thing: all that stuff I talked about up there sounds really noble and great, but when it comes down to it having a kid is a pretty selfish thing to do. People want to have kids to “raise them well,” teach them well, spoil them with nice stuff, carry on the family genes and the family name. But why should I need to have little Travis-copies running around all over the place, other than to boost my own ego? That’s what it’s all about, ego. I don’t need to teach a kid who looks like me to be like me… there’s already one me, and it already has enough problems without passing them on to another person.
And also, why bring another kid into this world? It’s not headed in a very good direction right now. You might say that we’re all fucked. We’re using up all the world’s resources because we want plasma screens and air conditioning and burgers and kids. So why fuck over another human being? Just so you can set him down in front of some plasma screen, let him grow up while having a copy of your genes, and hope that this copy of your genes doesn’t turn out messed up and confused about everything like you are?
All this sounds cynical as hell… maybe I’m just trying too hard to convince myself it’s not what I want. But it isn’t. I think.