Went to the movies with Elizabeth last night. Saw The Spectacular Now. After the movie, I drove her home, and then we were sitting in the car and I could tell she was gearing up to say something.
Travis, she said.
Oh fuck, I thought.
“Yeah?” I said.
“You know we’re both going away soon, and I was thinking,”
“Yeah me too.”
“You were? I was thinking that it’ll be hard to stay together when we’re so far apart,”
“Yeah, I agree. Totally. I think we should focus on meeting new people.”
She looked at me a second then she smiled a little bit, like a pity smile. Then she leaned in and kissed me on the cheek and we gave each other an awkward half hug. “I’m glad we both feel the same way.”
“Me too! I was worrying about that.”
She laughed and said “Aw really?”
“Yeah, I didn’t know if you’d feel the same way, but you do, so that’s great.” It was all over, that quick. The whole time I was smiling, and she kept looking at me and it made me feel awkward so I looked ahead out the window. Just then this big old possum waddled across the street under the light of a streetlight. “Hey, look at that ugly thing!” I pointed to it, and it turned its head toward us like it heard me and its eyes glowed bright white and then it ran into the dark and disappeared.
“Disgusting,” Elizabeth said.
We attempted some more small talk, and then said goodnight. Elizabeth said we should try to see each other again before we leave and I said sure. The whole time she wore that same smile and I wore some goofy grin. After she left the car my mouth hurt from all that smiling.
So, if this is how the conversation went, why do I feel like I was just dumped?
I’ve never been dumped before.
And if I didn’t love Elizabeth, why do I feel so empty right now?