Last night my grandparents and aunt and uncle and cousins (all on my dad’s side) came over for dinner. They asked me the typical questions that people ask you about college, the ones I’ve been answering since my graduation party and that I have canned responses to. By this point though, they mostly have a lot of advice. The funny thing is when one piece of advice contradicts another one. Like when my grandpa said that the most valuable thing he learned in college was how to hold his liquor. My mom disapproved, just shook her head and gave me a look. (Mom lives in a world where I go to parties and drink coke and juice). Grandpa looked at me over the table and said, “Learn how to hold your liquor, son.” He pointed his fork at me like Uncle Sam does in that painting.
My uncle followed my brother, my cousin and me outside and watched us play ball in the driveway while the sun was setting. When we finished, he slapped me on the shoulder. “Here, have a drink. I won’t tell your mom.” And he handed me his big glass of bourbon and coke. Tasted more like bourbon than coke. Then he said “Didn’t want to say it at the dinner table, but you need to know this: never trust a girl who says she’s on the pill. It would be a good idea to carry a condom or two, wherever you go. And ALWAYS wear thongs in the showers. Always. Take it from me.”
I’m guessing by thongs he meant flip flops. Anyway, once you hit college age, I guess it means that all of a sudden your relatives think they can give you sex advice without it being super awkward anymore.
Then Jeff, my cousin, said “Dad’s right. You should do that. His feet are gross.”
I know this post is like, the opposite of sexy, but I’m attaching a picture of a hot guy anyway. To make up for it, I guess.